I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
