That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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