Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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