i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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