DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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