My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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