im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
