A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
