My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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