He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
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