were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
