i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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