There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
