does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
