when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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