Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
