he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Is Oprah even human
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
