i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
