I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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