this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
