Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
