she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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