Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
