You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
