he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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