It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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