I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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