i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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