my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
