home. puking in laundry basket.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
