Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
