3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
