Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
