"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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