So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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