woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
