Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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