I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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