Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
