By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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