I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
