Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
