That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
