I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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