I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Randomize
