It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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