The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm both gender and math confused
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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