i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize