so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
