this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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