I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
