I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
