Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
