I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
