...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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