wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
