When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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