two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Everything about him screamed your future.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
