Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
